bout de papier, Vol. 7, No. 4 (1990), p. 40
Canadian foreign policy fans are anxiously awaiting the announcement of the results of the Corporate Policy Review of the Department of External Affairs and International Trade (EAITCI). Like baseball fans, who suffered through the recent Major League Baseball strike, all want to see the Review over and the foreign policy season underway.
Frank and Muriel Sturges, cattle ranchers from North Battleford, Saskatchewan, express the sentiment of many. “It has been disappointing, frankly. Every year, we go to Ottawa to see them train, to see the foreign policy opener, right around Winterlude. Heck, this year with the Corporate Review, all the officers were locked out by management. Nobody got near to swinging a pen. Everybody was just wandering around, going to sub-groups, task forces, town hall meetings on personnel, on administration, or on resources. Saddest thing you ever saw. We didn’t get any autographs, either.”
Recent talks with management and players reveal that the Corporate Review settlement will radically change the shape and content of major league foreign policy in Canada in the 1990s.
Organizational Restructuring
Tobacco chewing Louie Marshmette, one of the hardline Assistant Deputy Ministers representing the owners, points to a new organization chart on the wall. “The Corporate Review will completely, and I mean completely, revamp the External Affairs Department. No more geographic, functional, trade or economic branches. Just competing leagues or conferences if you will.”
“Just like in baseball,” I ask.
Spitting tobacco on the floor, Louie continues, “Yep. Europe Branch will be the Winston Churchill League; Latin America — the Eva Peron Conference; United States Branch the Dean Atchison League; and Economic and Trade Policy Branch becomes the John Maynard Keynes Conference. Furthermore, the divisions of External Affairs will be transformed into teams. General Trade Policy Division becomes Free Traders, Eastern European Division are the Reds Socked, Asia-Pacific Japan Division are the Yenkees and so on.”
“Isn’t this kind of risky for policy-making.” I enquire.
“Heck no. The new league structure will restore competition to major league foreign policy. We will be able to see which divisions
40 bout de papier Vol. are the strong and weak teams. You know, how many issues they win or lose, how many consular cases they leave on base, how many errors they commit, how many Ministers they can bring home safely, etc.”
“This achieves the goals of the Corporate Review — improved conditions for staff, new emphasis on leadership, sense of mission and development of greater teamwork, collegiality and speed. Besides, the division, er, team that wins the championship gets to present the SSEA with the Policy Initiative for the year. I suppose the greatest risk is if Nordic division wins three years in a row — there are only so many Arctic initiatives you can flaunt.”
Personnel Issues “Will the new league structure be good for staff morale?” I ask Kent Copewell, player’s representative for the permanent underclassman.
“Come on, man. The Players Association did not get anywhere near to what we wanted from the Corporate Review. We cannot heal the existential career schism the Department is facing with that crap. Some examples. Free agency — we had wanted the right for any officer to be able to negotiate a posting with any mission as a free agent after two years in a position. What’s the answer — compensation. So, if I suddenly decide to leave Media Relations Office to negotiate a posting in London, my former team can be asked to be compensated by officers or draft choices to be named later.”
“Another example. The draft for new players: We wanted the minor league system protected to ensure the quality of recruits. But no, the owners are encouraging raiding and lateral entries from other departments. That’s not only dangerous for foreign policymaking, that’s dangerous for the social fabric of the nation.
Foreign Service Officer Achievement “From my point of view,” Spike Deco, utility journeyman for G-7 Summits team notes, “the biggest achievement of the Corporate Review is the new Award for Foreign Service Officer Achievement — Most Valuable Player in our parlance. This award will finally recognize the outstanding players in the foreign policy circuit — you know those who consistently score on Memos to the Minister, those who hustle to outrun protocol officers at airports, those who have good Question and Answer percentile in the House, etc. Our next goal is a Hall of Fame on ground floor. Right next to the omelette counter in the cafeteria.”
Mission Statement Weary Corporate Review mediator Ed Lenwards sits on a makeshift couch made out of mountains of submissions, suggestions, task force reports, town hall meeting minutes, and ministerial memos. “Yes, I think it was worth it. We knew something was wrong with major league foreign policy-making in Canada. We brought the owners, often isolated in their corporate broadrooms, together with the players. We hammered out a settlement satisfactory to all. It will give us all a new sense of mission.”
“Have you articulated that sense of mission?” I asked.
At that moment, a bearded man with bright energetic eyes and a bustle of activity breezed into the office, his suitcase festooned with stickers of Hungary, Paris, Africa, Moscow, San Francisco, Houston. Lenwards motioned to the stocky man. “Ask Gregor Heyall. He’s the public relations guru we hired to help put down the sense of mission of External Affairs on paper.”
’The Mission Statement for External Affairs?” beamed Gregor. “How about this?” — “Take us out to all the ballparks. Buy us some peanuts and crackerjacks. And we’ll never want to come back. So, it’s root, root for the old home team. At all the ballparks.” Catchy huh?
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Originally published in bout de papier, Vol. 7, No. 4 (1990), p. 40. Read the rest of this issue →
