bout de papier, Vol. 29, No. 2 (2016), p. 38
THE OPINIONATED OLD COW:
RUMINATIONS FROM THE FIELD
by Alena Schram, Cowdy House, 2014,
$20.00.
First, is the title. It may be meant as a disclaimer, as a warning, self-deprecating, an honest self-assessment or all of the above. On reading the book, in fact, she often accomplishes all of the above in her 43 Ruminations. In the end she does herself a disservice as she is an insightful observer of human nature and seriously funny.
Second, is the number of times that she mentions that her husband John, ex diplomat and hence an inveterate newshound, is immersed in the latest issue of The Economist. Given the number of free plugs, that venerable institution should have printed her book for free. Alas it would appear that she is self-published, too often the lot of many authors not drawn to the publishing industry’s shrinking list of marketable subjects. This is in spite of her writing appearing in several well-known newspapers.
From her island redoubt near Kingston, Ontario, Schram fires off her views in all directions. Her asserted premise is that she has a free rein now that she is officially a senior with time on her hands. I suspect she was ever thus. In any event, she alerts the reader of her persona at the outset and reminds us of it at the end.
Major topics include getting along with your partner, health issues, her appearance, household affairs and family matters. She writes with flair and is always entertaining. She even seems to be telling the truth most of the time. She acknowledges Dave Barry, the American humour columnist, as an inspiration. Her writing is also reminiscent of another such writer, of older vintage – Art Buchwald, who wrote a regular column about Washington politics in a more genteel and less harshly partisan time.
People of her generation will certainly enjoy this book. So will millennials who will be able to confirm, to their abiding horror, the infallibility of boomers. And also boomerangs, aka, the children of the anointed ones, will be able to verify that, indeed, their own parents are not the only idiotic but lovable members of their demographic.
Her insights on the spousal relationship were especially funny. As in, “I ask John his opinion so that I can let him know that he is wrong”. Then there is the hopelessness of men when on a supermarket expedition. Her solution: an IKEA style play area on the premises for husbands. John’s suggestion: a pub. Moreover she keeps him out of trouble on social occasions with her photographic memory of detail when his big picture sense is of less immediate use. As seniors this translates into one functioning brain between two people. Gender differences when travelling, and in arranging casual lunches, get hilarious treatment as well. Alas, they do not agree on Chopin.
On health issues, she is both funny and poignant. Hypochondria gets pride of place along with the joys of colonoscopies and the serious matter of osteoporosis. Given that aging has impact on both one’s health and appearance, many of the issues that she addresses as part of the latter, could be included with the former. This approach, however, makes for amusing self and close friend deprecation, aided and abetted by her husband. And by her children who collectively combine parental influences of diplomatic discretion and endearing directness. She also addresses with brutal honesty and much humour night-time make-up, cosmetics generally, head hair, chin hair, throat wattles, skin tucks, Botox, joint cracking, is she still “hot”?, future movie stardom and the impact of gravity on various bodily parts.
Readers will appreciate her take on household affairs – fridge envy, best before dates, furnishings, and those most senior of issues, kitchen and bathroom renovations and downsizing. There are obviously many direct connections to family matters – sex education, weddings, passing on surplus inventory to children who strangely do not want it, netizens trying with little success to teach their parents the basics of surviving in the Internet age, the mutual incomprehension of generational vocabularies, and the importance of having a multi-year stock of toilet paper.
Schram wraps up her manual on surviving and thriving by concluding quite sensibly that not only is she ready for anything, but that she is irreplaceable. And who could is going to argue with that?
Jim Junke retired in 2013 after serving 40 years as a Foreign Service Officer at both the working and management levels.
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Originally published in bout de papier, Vol. 29, No. 2 (2016), p. 38. Read the rest of this issue →
