bout de papier, Vol. 12, No. 4 (1995-1996) — Winter 1995–96 // Hiver 1995-1996, pp. 5–6
A primer on caring for your parents when on a posting.
During her weekly overseas call, Ann always asks her widowed father how things are going. She asks, and at the same time, she dreads the possibility of something being amiss. Eldercare from afar is difficult and to make matters worse, the feeling of guilt seems to be ever present.
Adult children who care for their parents are called “The Sandwich Generation” caught between the needs of elderly and younger family members. We would venture to describe their “sandwich” as a triple-decker one! Adult children feel torn between the needs of their parents (do we give up our holidays to fly home and visit dad?), their children (I really need to go and see Chris play baseball) and themselves (I’d kill for some quiet time just by myself. How do you juggle these separate and well-founded demands on your time?
For those living afar, the internal tug-of-war is both intensified and tempered by the geographical distance. There are real limits in terms of your availability, access — and budget! Surely you cannot be expected to hop a plane for a six-hour flight all that often. Yet the amount of guilt relating to not being there feels as great as the distance — even more at times! For the adult children living close by, the expectations are different and generally greater.
Some Eldercare Guidelines
Through some ironical twist of life, eldercare guidelines resemble to some extent sound parenting principles. For example, as in the case of children, do only the things your parents cannot do for themselves. Remember how long it took little Bobby to dress in the morning. The same may now be true of your ageing father. Let him do at his own pace. Let your parents do whatever it is they still can do for and by themselves. Elderly parents need to have a sense that they maintain some control over their lives. Of course, it is quite natural to want to speed things up a little when most of us are so pressed for time.
There are three different types of ageing parents: those who can do a lot and know it; those who can do a lot but think they can’t, and finally those who think they still can but they can’t! Mrs. Jones had become dangerous on the road; she was forgetful and often slow to react. Bill Jones tried to convince his mother to give up driving but to no avail. When the family doctor suggested that it was time to retire from behind the wheel, Mrs. Jones agreed to comply. The advice of a trusted friend, lawyer, accountant, doctor, neighbour may be followed more readily than that of a son or daughter. Pass on the word to whomever you believe might have more credibility.
Consult your parents. Ask, listen and include them in the decision-making or problem-solving. It is important. It communicates respect. They still know best what suits them; give them the opportunity to voice their wants and preferences. It may not be feasible to provide them with the made-to-measure option but at least they will have had a chance to voice their concerns and needs. When time pressures require the need to act rather than debate, ensure that your parents at least understand the process and consequences. Understanding is not synonymous with acceptance – but it helps! When dealing with your parents, do remind yourself that they are adults and that they have the right to make decisions about their lives — as long as they still can.
Keeping in Touch
You live in a different town, state, country or continent and yet you want to stay in contact as much as possible. Here are some ways to help you do just that. Establish a set time for your long-distance calls; half the pleasure for your parent lies in the anticipation. If both your parents are living together, it helps to have an extension phone installed; it avoids repetition, gives equal air time to both parents and cuts down on telephone charges. Neighbours or close friends can be of tremendous help; give them a call to find out how things are and also to thank them for their help. Most people still regard an overseas call as a very special one. Brief and newsy letters provide a more lasting contact than a call and can be reread. To encourage your parents to write, provide them with prestamped, preaddressed envelopes. Of course, videos and cassettes can bring the whole family to life and give everyone an opportunity to take part in saying something or showing off to grandpa and grandma.
Making the Best of Visits
If at all possible, arrange for a family meeting while you are visiting home; it may be a tour de force to get everyone together but well worth the effort. If you have no siblings, convene friends, neighbours and other relatives together. Prepare an agenda; it helps to keep things on track as the exchange can become emotional. Take notes and distribute them so everyone knows — and remembers — what was agreed upon. Whatever the consensus, make it a temporary decision and decide on a time for reviewing the matter. If the agreement is that your parents move in with a sibling or stay in their home with outside help, adopt this option on a trial basis only.
It is also helpful to contact ahead of time your parent’s caseworker, discharge planner or the local Information and Referral Services or Family Services agency. They are usually very busy and appreciate the advance notice; inform them also of the kind of information you may be seeking so that it could be on hand when you arrive.
Because of your extended separation, you may be surprised, shocked even, at your parents’ state and/or situation. Do be careful not to criticize your siblings a la “How could you leave them like this?!”. You can well imagine the ensuing defensiveness and argument. Most care arrangements are gradual, a series of ongoing compromises rather than a deliberate choice. Set up a family task force and have your first meeting BEFORE a crisis arises. No one likes to broach the subject of illness, disability, death yet we know the importance of planning ahead. Decisions made in haste or under pressure are seldom the best. Naturally, thinking about our parents’ physical and mental deterioration and eventual death is something we all want to avoid dealing with. In part, it also reminds us that we are the next ones in line…. Try distancing yourself emotionally as best you can and start talking about IT.
Money, the Bottom Line
None of your business? Not yet perhaps, but when the time comes life will be a lot simpler if, for example, you know where to find certain documents. Build a personal and financial profile. For starters, make a list of your parents’ (and your own!) personal documents and LOCATE them. Here is a sample of the type of information you may need to access: birth certificate, passport, marriage certificate, cemetery deed, house deeds and titles, power of attorney, private insurance policy, will, accounts, etc. As a “preview of things to come”, it is a good idea to start by doing this with your own documents! A number of agencies can provide you with a list of important papers to have on hand
Here is also a tip regarding the management of your parents’ funds. Make sure that the “money manager” shares the financial statement with all family members. Keep an open book policy regarding all financial and legal matters. Make copies and distribute them to your siblings. Ask your parents to prepare a list of their personal friends and resources: doctor, lawyer, banker, clergyman, insurance agent, neighbours, etc. Especially from a distance, you will need all the extra support locally you can get.
The Gift of Care
Living afar sometimes means being able to provide only binge caregiving to your parents. As life would have it, parents’ illnesses often occur at demanding times in our lives: teenagers at home, career changes, moving, menopause, etc. You might like to be able to do more for them and, at other times, you might be grateful you cannot! Living afar may mean that you will need to find substitute caregivers. Ask yourself: am I the ONLY person who can do this? You may be the preferred one, yes. You have undoubtedly a number of responsibilities at home, at work and like it or not, you have limits — whether you choose to respect them or not! Devotion has a considerable and limited value. No amount of contact from family members can compensate for ageing, illness and loneliness. Determine for yourself how much you are willing and able to do before you make a commitment.
Find out about community resources, national and regional associations who provide various types of care. There are also a number of support groups specializing in particular illnesses, such as the Arthritis Foundation, the Canadian Cancer Society, the Alzheimer’s Association, to name a few. There is help, support and information available to those who seek it.
In the words of the French writer, Pierre Corneille: “The manner of giving is worth more than the gift”. Remember this when you need to provide eldercare from a distance..
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Originally published in bout de papier, Vol. 12, No. 4 (1995-1996) — Winter 1995–96 // Hiver 1995-1996, pp. 5–6. Read the rest of this issue →
