bout de papier, Vol. 10, No. 2 (1993) — Spring 1993 // Printemps 1993, pp. 13–14
“In response to the government’s call for fiscal responsibility and budgetary restraint, External Affairs and International Trade Canada (EAITC) has announced the closure of a number of embassies and the recall of Canadian diplomats. In a series of sweeping initiatives, EAITC has complied with and exceeded the guidelines for the restructuring of priorities and the deployment of personnel,’ said a senior spokesperson.
“ ‘Many scenarios were considered and discarded. Every effort was made to achieve maximum fiscal benefit with minimum impact on employees.’ “
Diplomats make poor revolutionaries. Close an embassy here, shrink a mission there, retire the tired and discourage the dedicated. Here we go again.
Let’s get serious.
WHAT IF … we pulled a Judy LaMarsh and grabbed a tiger by the tail, from the inside out? For example, employment of spouses could become the norm at post instead of the exception. Why not, gasp! … why not encourage it?
IN FACT … why send any spouse overseas who is not working at the mission?
External could deploy only unaccompanied employees or employee-couples. Even better, External could actively recruit and encourage the single state. Maybe even the celibate state! Anything the Church can do, we can do better.
Unaccompanied employees could be housed in more spartan accommodation. CanRep House might become a companion piece to the US Marine House. In exchange for a few reunion travel tickets and telephone calls, think of the reduction in administration and management costs.
Once spousal employment became part of the system abroad, the problem of sufficient vacancies would be self-resolving.
WHAT ABOUT … representation, you ask? Bring on the beer nuts and chicken wings; let’s go out for fajitas. We can do it the Canadian way.
Even better, we could contract out official hospitality — perhaps to George Cohen, or Dave Smith, or Dave Nichols. Canada could become famous for pastrami on a sesame seed bun with “Memories of Lansdowne” sauce. Of course, the sauce would have to be called “PM’s Choice” instead of “President’s Choice”
WHY NOT … turn official residences into the venue for all official representation? The staff could cater the events and the spouse of the Head of Mission could be employed as chef de cuisine, or maître d’, or dogsbody. Being paid would be a change at least.
The Head of Mission could have quarters on the top floor. And why, in the vast luxury of the official residences, could not two or three single staff also be quartered! In exchange for cutting the grass and vacuuming the pool they would be allowed to swim in it. This would eliminate the need for costly club fees. Oh, the public appeal of such a policy.
And … with all the missions that are being downsized, there is all that Chancery floor space going to waste.
In Washington, there is still that unsold prime real estate at Dupont Circle. It could be reconverted to its pre-1923 purpose and turned into staff quarters. Forget those pricey SQs (staff quarters) in Fairfax and Bethesda.
Now we’re on a roll.
WHAT ABOUT … fifth-year leave? Instead of an option, it could be an obligation. It could even be for two years. Work for five years; take two off — instant salary savings of twenty-eight percent. In exchange for the freedom to write a book or to take a contract without the usual restrictions, it might be worth it. It might also help the attrition rate.
WHY NOT TAKE … accountable relocation advances and make them non-accountable relocation premiums? Give employees a starting date, the address of the mission, a contact at Boyd’s Movers and tell them to turn up in six weeks. Retirement in the sunshine; here we come!
There would be an added bonus here in spin-off savings for the RCMP. Those diddle investigators cost money.
CONSIDER … hands-off delivery of foreign assistance.
We could call in the foreign representatives once a year and present them with a cheque. They would be responsible for remitting the funds to their respective countries and rendering accounts at the end of the fiscal year. Any funds not accounted for could be deducted from the next year’s allotment. Use it or lose it, fellahs.
CONSIDER … running an immigration lottery. Relatives in Canada could buy tickets for family members and the missions could sell tickets for unsponsored persons. Talk about cost recovery!
FOLLOW THE LEAD OF … the National Capital Commission. Put donation bins in the waiting room of every visa office and in the consular wailing room. Remember, no pain, no gain.
THINK ABOUT … the job-sharing possibilities. Canada could share the same quarters on a rotational basis in places like Costa Rica, Kenya, the Philippines and Los Angeles with, for example, Australia. We could be in residence from November to April, while the Australians would take over from May to October. This would allow each of us to winter over in the sun.
We could spend six months convincing everyone that beavers do not walk on their hind legs and live in the outback, and they could spend the next six explaining that kangaroos do not have flat tails and live in ponds. Then again, we could try that British-French invention — condo diplomacy in New Hebredean style. WHAT IF … roving ambassadorships became roving embassyships? Ottawa could purchase some of the dry-docked fishing boats out of St. John’s, convert them into floating office-cum-official residences and send them off to the Caribbean and the Mediterranean. That ought to close out at least a dozen posts.
Personnel could be assigned as crew and then the Head of Mission could really play captain…. Heave to, lads, the sun is over the yardarm.
IN KEEPING WITH … the policy of contracting out for services, why not contract out for diplomatic services? Lavalin might represent us in Saudi Arabia, Ontario Hydro in India or the Premier of British Columbia in Hong Kong.
Utlimately, we might negotiate an arrangement with the USA State Department for the right to an independently worded footnote on all of their press releases.
IT’S TIME TO … boot up SIGNET, plug in the modems and put the phones on call forward, the armchair “diplotech” is here.
GOOD GRIEF … one body and a lap top and we could cover the globe!
HELP … call the de-programmers! This type of thinking is addictive.
Remember … yesterday’s fantasy is today’s reality.
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Originally published in bout de papier, Vol. 10, No. 2 (1993) — Spring 1993 // Printemps 1993, pp. 13–14. Read the rest of this issue →
