bout de papier, Vol. 27, No. 3 (2013) — Autumn 2013 // Automne 2013, pp. 42–44
The brightly-lit mugs of Shamus Dikk and D Essex Mackinaw on the laptop screen push back the dark fog shrouding the marsh behind Knucklesworth Manor. A shot rings out and a voice screams “Aargh! Ribbit! They got me.” A small splash. “What was that noise?” asks Mackinaw hoarsely. “Just some frog croaking,” I reply from my seat at the moss-covered table.
I am here because Shamus needs eyes-and-ears at a big Syndicate conference. The capo di tutti capi, Steffi de Lyre, is pushing for his “corporate services” capos to “amalgamate”, to create what he calls “coherence” and “synergy”. Nobody knows what he is talking about or why the pow-wow to settle the details is being held in a Gothic make-believe hotel, but then no-one who looks forward to a vertical future questions the Godfather. The place looks like Frank Lloyd Wright channeling Charles Addams and I keep looking up for falling gargoyles.
Dikk and Mackinaw come to see me one day and lay this out. I ask where they fit in. Shamus explains that Maurie Rose, one of the consiglieri involved in the merger, passes the quiet word to Mackinaw that the competition, namely Rialto Sleazewagon, is trying to make a play. None of the three capos in the mix are all that happy about the merger and so everyone is on a knife edge, usually held by somebody else’s goombah. Sleazewagon sends in his top shooter, Bertha de Kuhl, with instructions to bump off one of the Syndicate’s about-to-be-appointed lieutenants, but make it look like an insider did it. When war breaks out in the Syndicate, outsiders will pick up the pieces — and the rackets.
“Tt’s a strange situation, Harry,” says Shamus. “First, we know the murderer but not the victim. Secondly, we have no idea what the new structure looks like, so we can’t make any guesses from that. And finally, there seem to be other bozos sniffing around, on top of Sleazewagon.”
Mackinaw adds, “Maurie plans to retire soon and the last thing he needs is a gang war. The police don’t care if the bad guys eliminate each other, so I’ve been hired to see if I can help. All the consiglieri need is the name of the intended victim and then they can make sure the assassination doesn’t happen. Getting rid of Bertha would not help because Sleazewagon always has back-ups — besides, she is a very skilled operator and would therefore make a difficult target.”
So I show up as a guest at Knucklesworth. I need an inside operator of my own and find a good one, an actor playing a character named Heathcliff. Over the top, but knows a lot about the place. Before this gig, he tries to start his own hotel with a couple named Hubert and Hermione Fisch, but somehow “Sleep with the Fisches” never takes off. Then he tries a home delivery vegetable shop with a gift option, but “Say it with Rutabagas” bombs too. Branding is clearly not his thing, but he’s good at brooding. So he signs on at the hotel as the tall, dark and handsome type, forever glooming around under a one-man dark cloud and shaking his fist at the sky. For some reason, the dames like him. He also trips over the furniture a lot, although that is not in the script.
He tells me that Bertha already arrives at the hotel and takes a job playing Mrs. Rochester, the mad wife from some book called Jane Eyre. This means she can spend the day hiding in her attic, come down at night to tear up Jane’s clothes and otherwise paint herself the harmless nutjob, meanwhile casing the joint on the QT.
Heathcliff and I go our separate ways to get the inside dope. I put on Bermuda shorts and a Hawaiian shirt to mooch around making friendly with everyone I meet, getting more than they figure, a little here, a little there. He dresses up all in black, making eyes at every skirt in the place and saying things like “Will I never see her face again? I must throw myself off yon lowering tower”. But they lean their curly heads on his manly chest and tell him everything. Takes all types, like a thief that is not so choosy, so I am telling myself.
By the end of our third day, I have a report to send Shamus and Mackinaw about the merger, smuggled out from behind the wall of omerta. This matches up with a chart of the merger, which I rescue from under a gunsel’s grappa while he is under the table where the grappa puts him. Capos, consiglieri and lieutenants divided into three caporegimes, but no names.
There are 15 people in the new leadership, at least one from every province and territory, including two women. (The Syndicate is not an equal opportunity employer.) Everyone comes from a different town. e Of the three capos, Mr. Heavenly is in
charge of Personnel Services, the man from Ear Falls handles Transport and
Logistics and AA is Juan Orso.
The three consiglieri are Gatineau
Pierre, the man from Magog and the one
who reports to Fast Eddy Fraser. e ABA, who is in charge of Unofficial
Imports, is from Sanirajak.
Tough Tony Smiles is in charge of
Extractive Industries (“materiel acquisition”); the other lieutenants in his caporegime are the man from Baddeck and P’tit Michel Petite.
– Marsha Seraphim (ACC) handles Negotiable Entertainment and reports to the capo from Tignish.
– Low-point Louis Flowers, who handles Financial Dry Cleaning, works in the same caporegime as the man from Summer Beaver.
Cousin Stevie L’Araignée, who handles
the Web of Evil (Internet scams), is in the same caporegime as the man from
Bouctouche.
° Honey Fitz is the consigliere from
Miner’s Prayer; one of the lieutenants in his caporegime is Jean Laflamme, who
handles Involuntary Exports.
* The consigliere from Paddle Prairie does not work for the Finance and High Tech capo from Horsefly. ACC is Wriggly Finns, the lieutenant in charge of the Policy Racket (ie the numbers game).
– Canny Carey Doe, who handles Inhumane Resources (guns for hire) works closely with another lieutenant in her caporegime, the man from Winkle. e AAA is from Port aux Choix; ABC 1s from the Maritimes and ACB is from Manitoba; AB and AAB are both from the same province while ACC and DAA are both from another province.
– Maurie Rose, the man from Biggar and the lieutenant who handles the Partnership for Protection each work for a different capo.
+ Kid Hercules, the woman born in
Rae-Edso and the lieutenant from
Malartic all work for the same capo.
I lean into the laptop. “One other thing. Last night, I am on the prowl for a little midnight moonshine when I hear a noise like someone steps on a tiger’s tail and lives to regret it — maybe not for long. I follow the sound into the old library, where I see two stiffs on the floor and a woman standing over them with a gun. The frail, who I am thinking is probably Bertha, dashes out another door before I can stop her and I hear the lock turn, so I check out the recently horizontal. One of them is clearly stopped by a bullet. I know him — Van Helsing the vampire hunter. For a week, he is hunting the resident vegetarian Dracula — only goes for vegans and devout Buddhists — and sure enough, there beside him is the monster, finished the only way they can be, a steak through the heart. T-bone, I notice, medium rare. The way I read the scene, Van Helsing is just finishing the vampire off when his own killer shows.”
“But why the kill? I see Van Helsing has a death grip on a torn corner of paper. I figure the moll took the rest, but what is left reads: ‘Book of St Albans (1486): Elephant, caterpillar, mole, puppy. Monkey, lark, caterpillar, goldfinch, sparrow. Caterpillar, leopard, magpie, lark, wolf, wasp, caterpillar, magpie, lark. Viper, caterpillar, crow, lark.’ Hell of a note, no idea what it means, but he dies holding onto it so it must be important.”
Mackinaw wheezes out, “I can help there. Van Helsing worked for one of our rivals in this affair, Special Agent Pilgrim. The code he was using relates to a medieval book written in the monastery of St Albans, probably by one of my legal predecessors. The list of animals is from the famous Terms of Venery appended to that book, which gives the correct collective nouns for all sorts and conditions of animals — like a flock of sheep or a plague of locusts. My supposition would be that, if you determine the collectives for each of the named animals, their first letters will spell out a clue to the intended victim.”
Mackinaw and Dikk fill in the chart, work out Van Helsing’s message and contact Rose to block the hit. Once that is settled, I exit Skype, kill the laptop and stand up to go back. But suddenly, Heathcliff crashes out of the mist chasing the Eyre dame. She wears a T-shirt that says, “Conserve Wildlife’. As they pass me, Heathcliff trips over a fallen gargoyle and plants his face in the swamp. Jane goes down laughing. Lifting his head, Heathcliff moans, “Oh God, will this puzzle never end?” And then it does.
Can you duplicate Shamus’ and Mackinaw’s feat by providing the plaintext of Van Helsing’s message and the name of the planned victim? bout de papier will declare a winner by drawing from all correct answers received by November 30. The winner will receive a book signed by A Aalto. The towns can all be verified on the web (type in the name plus “Canada”). The St Alban’s list is found (among other sites) at http://mzminola tumbir com/ post/47487392558/qualapec-kellysue-kathoward. Not necessary to enter the contest, but can you also fill in the full amalgamation chart?
Free-lance prestidigitator and Tannu Tuva’s 2012 “Alleged Human of the Year”, A Aalto is back at headquarters and busy trying to get it together. This is his 100th puzzle for bout, since being recruited in 1983 by the inestimable Ms Hulley. It is dedicated to Maurie Rose and P’tit Michel. Kudos to The New Yorker for Heathcliff’s last words and as always to the perspicacious Mrs. Aalto.
MOUNT. ATHOS. This is where Dr. Goodenuff can be found. As a side comment, St. Panteleimon’s is the only monastery I know to have been attacked by the Russian Navy over a theological disagreement.
The chart linkages are as follows: Christianity (Catholic) — Jerusalem Bible, Shinto — Nihon Shoki, Islam — Quran, Jain — Svetambara, Druze — Rasa’il al-hikmah, Latter Day Saints — Doctrine and Covenants, Bahai — Epistle to the Son of the Wolf, Quiché Mayan — Popul Vuh, Hindu— Vedas, Theosophy — Isis Unveiled, Rastafarian — Holy Piby, Judaism — Zohar, Yoruba — Odù Ita, Mulderism (invented) — X-Files, Sikh — Guru Granth Sahib, Ancient Egyptian — Book of the Dead, Druid — Mabinogion, Taoism — Yi Jing, Christianity (Protestant) — King James Bible, Buddhism — Lotus Sutra, Etruscan = Cippus of Perugia, Confucian — Five Classics, Manichaeism — Treasure of Life, New Age — Urantia Book, Zoroastrian — Avesta, Seventh Day Adventists — Writings of Ellen White.
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Janny Mills, Jeff Rosebrugh,
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Originally published in bout de papier, Vol. 27, No. 3 (2013) — Autumn 2013 // Automne 2013, pp. 42–44. Read the rest of this issue →
