bout de papier, Vol. 21, No. 3 (2005) — Summer/Fall 2005 // Été/Automne 2005, pp. 44–47
White (re-titled Rainbow Fleshtones and the Seven Stature- Optimized Mineral Extraction Specialists in accordance with Treasury Board guidelines). MacBannock had been convinced that he could not both direct and play Prince Charming, but had insisted on naming Don Gordo to the role instead. They still hadn’t found a horse that could carry him on-stage and had been forced to borrow a steed from another production (Dumbo). Esmeralda had agreed with gusto to play the wicked step-mother, but only if the poison apple was replaced with a tainted takeout from Cash and Curry, an East Indian fast food emporium. Meanwhile, six of the dwarfs were busy redefining their roles. If truth in advertising was invoked, they would need to be renamed
Catatonic, Iwisted,
Mangy, Manic, Risqué and Blotto on opening night.
Liebnitz, who was playing Doc, had just surfaced from an extended session with a cattle prod, keeping the other dwarfs from setting fire to their cottage. Don Gordo had fallen into the vat of enchanted vindaloo and was resisting all efforts to rescue him. Manitoba Jones, the only one willing to play Snow White against Don Gordo’s prince and thus attired in full princess regalia, was swinging from the ropes, changing backdrops randomly in the middle of scenes. Looking around brightly, MacBannock gave the cast the old theatre saying that a bad dress rehearsal meant a good performance. His wife Hilda, as stage-manager, said she’d have more confidence in that adage if the play they were rehearsing was the Satyricon.
A slender man with wavy hair rushed through the door, wiping a speck of crème brûlée from his eyebrow. “Minister!” exclaimed MacBannock. Just then, Don Gordo’s elephant burst from the wings and stampeded across the stage ahead of six small people wearing miner’s helmets and little else, only to be brained by a descending flat bearing a magic mirror and three sozzled mice. “I can see you’re busy, MacBannock,” replied the Minister, “but I need you and your top people in my office right away.”
Minutes later, the meeting convened, the Centre personnel still in costume. “Weird things are happening all over Canada,” the Minister started off. “People are starting to think for themselves and not just accept the government line?” queried Liebnitz. “I said weird, not terrifying,” replied the Minister. “I mean things like the Cabinet coming out of its retreat in Gimli and suddenly their clothes all vanish. The media pretended not to notice, even praised the PM’s new suit, but a little boy just pointed and started laughing. Or someone spotted a family of mallards on the river in Kenora, except one of the little ones is all scaly and has teeth. By the time anyone can catch it, it has grown into a feathered lizard ten metres tall and is eating whole cows for lunch. All across the country, women are finding their mattresses turning into stone overnight, but once the sun comes up in the morning, all they can find is a single lentil under it. In the northern territories, arson is everywhere, well above statistical predictions, with fires set by young women in rags. And on both coasts, men are being snatched off boats by what witnesses insist are mermaids. Usually, however, the men get tossed back.”
“This all has a familiar ring,” said Liebnitz, “although I can’t quite place my finger on it. Do we have any indications of linkages or causation?” “Not surprisingly, we have heard from Rialto Sleazewagon, offering to call off this strange plague in return for payment of the usual fee at maniacal-villain rates,” replied the Minister. “He offers no explanation of how he is producing the ettects, but we do have what amounts to an inside source. “ He pulled out a Morocco leather pouch and tipped a small metal figure onto the desk – a model of a 19th-century musketeer, but with only one leg. “This little fellow was to be part of another attack by Sleazewagon but, maybe because of his leg, he was not kept with his regiment. We found him discarded in a corner when we raided one of Rialto’s abandoned hideouts, and the lab got readings from him that demonstrate the basis of the plot. Sleazewagon has created — or probably stolen – a device that takes mythological archetypes, brings them into our reality and twists them to his own destructive ends. They are controlled and powered by three transmitters located far apart but near our borders. We just have no way of knowing where they are, although we could detect them if we could get within a few kilometres.”
He paused and looked over his half-glasses at the Centre’s team. “Now comes the part where I really need to insist on total secrecy. You know we’re having trouble with Denmark these days? Well, it seems that the weapon came from there, but not with the Danish government’s approval. Given diplomatic circumstances, the Danes aren’t willing to admit that fact publicly, but they are willing to help us under the table. So they’ve provided us with clues to the location of the transmitters, disguised as a puzzle to distance themselves even further from possible discovery. Here’s what they sent us.” He handed over a page to MacBannock, who shuffled it quickly to Liebnitz.
Each of the following clues has something to do with Denmark. The letters after each clue give the answer to that clue, enciphered with a simple letter substitution (each letter in the cipher always represents the same letter in the plaintext). Filling in the missing letters in the boxes and reading down will give you another Danish answer.
Shakespeare’s gloomy prince:
_YPTZL
Any of the people on this list or a dog:
ODZ_L RYKZ
National Ballet of Canada artistic director
1983-86:
4 Philosopher, founded existentialism:
Astronomer, 16th century:
Wagnerian tenor:
7 Brand of beer:
8 Played Aragorn in the Rings:
9 Pastry with dried plums:
MDJKZ RYKV_W
10 Main peninsula:
US_TYKR
11 Northern explorer:
12 Artist who lived in Copenhagen before leaving for Tahiti:
MYJT O_JOJVK
13 King who could not turn back the waves:
14 High-design audio system:
15 Edward VIl’s queen:
YTZBY_RDY
16 Baroque composer:
17 Fairy-tale monarch who keeps children on ice:
18 Comic pianist, invented spoken punctuation:
19 Nobel physicist who modelled the atom:
20 Famous toy company:
21 She had a farm in Africa:
VCYN RV_ZCZK
if substitutions. The following message is enciphered using the same pattern
SYKYRVYK?); GKZ HWZDZ
GKZ HWZDZ SYMLYVK SGGN
(3 YJOJCL 1778).
“Hmmm,” hummed Liebnitz. “Not so very difficult, given the overlaps. And someone’s given us a bit more help.” He pointed to faint scribbles on the back of the nage:
QGD LWVDR
CVLZ, OG LG HHH.
SGP YKR CZYDSW:
“SYMLYVK SGGN”
+ “YJOJCL 3”.
Liebnitz soon deciphered the message. “Just as I suspected,” he mused, “A fairytale ending giving us the three locations. But there is something ambiguous about the third. The 20th clue gives two readings and the pencil message suggests that matters be verified. Maybe something has changed.” So it turned out.
The three transmitters were soon pinpointed. Those in the northeast and northwest were put out of commission easily enough, but the southern one was defended by the regiment to which the little musketeer belonged, now expanded to full size and armed with modern weapons. Meanwhile, whoever was running the transmitter was not prepared to remain on the defensive. Holding the little soldier in his hand, Liebnitz. peered through the dim forest ahead, past the high-voltage towers of the transmitter. He could see the mist solidifying into the form of dragons. “We don’t have time to waste here,” he advised the colonel commanding the Canadian soldiers with them. “They’re bringing in reinforcements that we’re simply not prepared for. Let me try something.” The colonel started to protest, but Liebnitz passed him the little musketeer and he paled as he stared into the forest, before giving Liebnitz. the go-ahead.
The ace logician gathered the Centre contingent around him. “OK, people,” he whispered. “We need to get close enough to put that transmitter out of action. We’re still in costume from Snow White, so we look more like the other side than our own. Everybody keep together and just stroll right through their ranks as if we belonged. I figure we’ll either be home safe or dead within a couple of minutes. “Gracias por nada,” said Don Gordo sotto voce, but he squared his shoulders, put on his best smile (killing fully-mature trees at 50 paces) and led the ragtag mob forward. As they passed the line of fire, not a single musketeer turned to watch, and Liebnitz began to hope. Just as they neared the transmitter, however, a dark shape oozed from behind a dying pine. Fearing a wraith, the ace logician braced, but this was worse – Sleazewagon himself. “I see you’re dressing better, Liebnitz,” he sneered, “but your sense of tactics remains pitiful. Still, you’ll have a good seat for viewing the slaughter.” He snapped his fingers, wakening the musketeers, who quickly surrounded them as Sleazewagon’s new heavy forces moved forward.
In a single fluid movement, Liebnitz plucked the one-legged tin soldier from his pocket and launched it over the surrounding guards into the open fretwork of the transmitter. There was a great arc of sparks and suddenly it was over. The transmitter was a slagheap, the dragons had vanished, Don Gordo was sitting on Sleazewagon and all that was left of the musketeers was a flat box with 24 tin soldiers in a space made for 25. Esmeralda bent over and picked up something from the ground. It was the one-legged musketeer. “I think we should keep him,” she said. “Certainly he doesn’t belong with these others.” “They were only trapped by Sleazewagon into doing his will,” Liebnitz replied. “Our friend belongs with his comrades. his own destiny to fulfil – for him, this whole episode has just been a detour. In fact, the only reason the box is still here is that it is incomplete without him,” So saying, he slotted the little soldier into the empty space in the box. They all watched as it gradually dissolved into the mist and blew away on the breeze.
Can you duplicate Liebnitz’s feat by naming the three locations where Sleazewagon’s transmitters were to be found? Not necessary for the answer, but can you name the seven fairy tales (other than Snow White) to which the puzzle refers, and say what links them? And can you provide the answers to all 21 clues? bout de papier will decide the winner by drawing from a box containing all correct entries received by November 15, 2005. The winner will receive a book prize autographed by A Aalto.
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Originally published in bout de papier, Vol. 21, No. 3 (2005) — Summer/Fall 2005 // Été/Automne 2005, pp. 44–47. Read the rest of this issue →
