bout de papier, Vol. 24, No. 3 (2009) — Summer/Fall 2009 // Été/Automne 2009, p. 48
My most recent humiliation might interest you.
I went today to buy a wet suit.
Have you ever tried on a wet suit? If not,
if you are ever subjected to that ordeal,
make sure to check that it is the right size.
I should have asked the young saleslady who was helping me
for a short, fat suit, designed for one considerably out of shape. Instead I
meekly took those she suggested,
suits chosen by height. I did not realize
that they were all size “medium”.
After a considerable struggle I got the first suit on,
I even managed to zip it up — it zipped up at the front.
Having done so I knew instantly
what a sausage must feel like after entering the saucepan — bursting out at
top and bulging out at the middle.
All this in yellow and green Lycra!
The second suit I could pull up as far
as my well-developed buttocks, but no further.
The third suit appeared, at first, to be more successful.
I got it up around my waist — the bulge between my knees and my chest —
but then could not get it off.
After much cursing, sweating and push-pulling, I got it down to around
my ankles. But the damned suit would not go over my ankles —
it is meant to be tight to keep out the water.
I tried and tried, I bent and sweated and took up positions I did
not believe myself capable of, all to no avail.
The problem was the only help at hand was the young saleslady.
There I was, in my underwear, sweating like a pig, paunch exposed,
wet suit around my ankles,
and I couldn’t get the bloody suit off.
It is moments like these that test the mettle of the man.
With one last heroic effort, motivated by the dreadful thought of
calling her for help,
I got one leg out by dint of kneeling on the floor and
using the chair as a lever.
And the next foot I got out by pulling the bloody suit inside out.
It turns out I need a large/short, which they make!
But I am undertaking a new exercise regime before my next try on.
And I’ll take a friend with me, just in case. 9
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Originally published in bout de papier, Vol. 24, No. 3 (2009) — Summer/Fall 2009 // Été/Automne 2009, p. 48. Read the rest of this issue →
