bout de papier, Vol. 29, No. 4 (2016), pp. 49–52
Yi Xing, Hairy Harry January and Bugbyte sat down at a synthwood table. An attractive waitress came over and said, “42, Master Yi.” The immortal replied, “42, Eccentrica.4 Please bring me tea – Celestial Seasonings of course – and sandstorms for my friends.” He turned to his tablemates. “The galaxy’s driest Martinis. Joe owns the only bottle of vermouth on the planet and he just walks the glass of gin on by.” The drinks arrived. Harry said, “All right, we follow you to Mars. We are sitting in a dive that does not change since Jabba the Hutt takes off. What’s up?” Bugbyte said, “Seventy-five million kilometres and a century into the future are a long way to go for a good martini, even in a souped-up Tardis.’”
Yi Xing pointed. “Do you see that man with the Boston Blackie moustache?” Harry squinted. “I am thinking it looks like Rialto Sleazewagon, but he is dead a long time gone and besides, that gent is green.” “It is Sleazewagon,” said Yi. “And yes, he should be dead, but a while ago he fell for an immortality scam. It did make him immortal, but he didn’t read the fine print. It turned him into a were-snake. That made him the most successful thief
• Yes, I know what it sounds like. Don’t hold your breath.
2 Terraforming on Mars requires an increase in atmospheric carbon
dioxide, to warm the planetary surface via an enhanced greenhouse effect. It is thus the only place in the solar system where eco-warriors drive SUVs.
From the Irish sionnachuighim, meaning “I play the fox” Probably a good thing no-one on Mars speaks Erse.
No, she’s not from Eroticon 6. Sorry, guys.
5 Who gave it to them? Indeed he did.
on Mars ” and the go-to man? for information people want to keep hidden.” “But where do we come in?” asked Bugbyte.
The immortal nodded. “Long story. Seventy years ago, a woman in upstate New York, Agnes Macphail MacGuffin, invented an inter-dimensional transporter. She was a brilliant theoretical physicist but also a New Age fruitloop®. She was tinkering with a crystal healer for arthritis? but got something different and dangerous. She was smart enough to realise that revealing her discovery would have unfortunate consequences, including perhaps the destruction of the human race’°. But when she tried to destroy it, it just shifted itself to a parallel dimension until the threat had passed and then returned to her worldline.
Agnes consulted her brother Angus, who had worked as a young man for Alfred Hitchcock and had given the director the concept of the MacGuffin”, but was now a leader in the Mars colonization movement. Once contact had been made with the Old Martians, the siblings saw a way out of the dilemma. The Old Martians already knew about inter-dimensional transport, which
• He had to leave earth after a close encounter with a were-mongoose in a fedora, working for the feds.
• Or snake, depending on the phase of the moons.
• Of course, New Age was getting kind of old by then.
9 Which would have been much more useful, a boon to millions.
Although several species might not necessarily regard that as an unfortunate consequence.
A device in a movie plot whose only purpose is to give the characters their motivation for acting in extreme ways. He and his sister used “MacGuffin” as their codeword for the transporter. Coincidence? We think not.
they could do without technology, so they were the only people for whom the MacGuffin device posed no temptation. Angus made contact and they readily agreed to take it into their protection!?”
“But I am asking what all this has to do with Sleazewagon,” cut in Harry. Yi Xing lifted an admonitory finger!. “He’s the only one who knows where the MacGuffin is. The story of Agnes’ discovery was lost for half a century until it was picked up by de Lyre’s syndicate. But the story didn’t say where the device was hidden. Steffi reached out to’4 the best expert on the Martian shadow-world and Sleazewagon eventually delivered. Or not, as it turns out” “Where do we fit in?” asked Bugbyte. “Well, we need to keep the MacGuffin out of de Lyre’s hands. So we have to get to it first. Unlike Dr MacGuffin, I know how to destroy it.” Harry interjected, “But if Rialto knows the location, why is he not telling Steff?”
“Sleazewagon’s price has gone up since they originally cut the deal. He has fallen in love – with Eccentrica. He’s got it bad’s, but is convinced she won’t touch him with his scales and forked tongue. He’s willing to give up immortality for her, but doesn’t know how. And that’s his price for the MacGuffin – lifting the curse. Steffi doesn’t know how. But I do.” “Makes sense. Except maybe for Sleazewagon in love. But why do you need us?” asked Bugbyte. “I need your technical skills to handle the MacGuffin. Harry I need to approach the man in the first place. They are, ah, professional colleagues.”
Harry nodded and strolled over to the green man’s’ table, de Lyre having stomped off. “Say hey, Rialto. Amazing to see you. You are looking like you die some months in the past, but then I must be 150 years old myself, counting from the day I emerge into the snows of Muskoka, so perhaps I am not one to talk.” Sleazewagon sneered and gestured for the fence to take a chair!? Yi Xing and Bugbyte watched their conversation, Rialto’s face shifting from caution to surprise to intense concentration’ to sadness to eager attention. Finally, Harry led him over to their table.
“Sssso, Mr Yi,” he hissed, “You believe you can reverse the curse that keeps me from my loved one.” “I don’t just believe it. Are you willing to tell me how to get the MacGuffin device?” “Rather than let Ssssteffi’s mob get hold of it, I should tell you for free. But you have something I want.” Bugbyte asked, “Why haven’t you picked up the MacGuffin yourself? A man like you could use something like that.” Sleazewagon shrugged. “Agnes sssset things up so that only a human woman could claim it. I’m doubly disqualified. But if I get the woman I want, I don’t need a parallel dimension.”
He shrugged. “I’d sssssay we have a deal. The device was hidden by the Old Martians in their village on top of Mons Olympus. Sometimes the village is there, sometimes not so much. But it always turns up on the Martian summer equinox – three days from now. To get the MacGuffin, you have to give them a release phrase.” “What phrase?” asked Harry. Sleazewagon opened his jacket, ran a thumbnail along an invisible seam in his skin and pulled out a cylindrical brass case!°. “The phrase is hidden in this puzzle?o. There are 12 words along the top. Ten correspond to the definitions in the lower part. If you eliminate those ten, the last two that are what you need?!” Bugbyte took a quick look at the scroll and nodded. “Not complicated, although some of the references were old even in our time. We’re jake.”
ARES, BARSOOM, CURIOSITY, DAMON, MARVIN, MOM, MUSK, NIX, OLYMPICA, PHOBOS, SCHIAPARELLI, WELLS
1. US entrepreneur who has said he hopes to die on Mars, “just not on impact”.
2. Italian astronomer who first mentioned “canali” on Mars.
3. Greek equivalent of the god Mars.
4. He starred as “The Martian”.
5. Edgar Rice Burrough’s Martian civilisation.
6. US lander, roved Mars in the early 21st century.
7. First Indian orbiter to reach Mars, for short.
8. Looney Tunes’ little Martian.
9. One of Mars’ moons.
10. UK author from whose novel Welles scripted his radio report of a Martian invasion.
Two days later, the three earthlings boarded a sand-buggy outside Marsport Dome and headed across the dunes toward Mon Olympus?. Yi Xing was explaining about the Old Martian settlements. “They phase in and out of our worldline, like Brigadoon23. This may be the only one left on this Mars. We humans are slowly changing the planet out of all recognition. So the Old Martians will go elsewhere, fade out of this worldline and not come back. The reason Sleazewagon was able to find their secret is probably because they want to discharge their responsibility to Agnes Mac Guffin before closing the door.”
As the sand-buggy worked its way up the slope, the landscape shifted from barren vistas to something… more. Appearing and disappearing in the mist, ghostly crimson sail-boats on razor-sharp runners came racing over the desert, only to veer off before reaching them. Canals emerged, filled with dark fragrant liquid. “Lavender wine,” said Yi reverently. In the distance, ruined gold and sapphire cities glistened in the sun. As they crested a last rise, they entered a circle of crystal pillars with a circular silver bench running around the inside. Standing to meet them were slender humanoid figures in iridescent green and white robes, the smaller ones bearing fire-flowers to the visitors24
Yi Xing raised a hand. “We come from the world of Agnes Macphail MacGuffin to recover the device she left with you so many of our years ago.” From the front row of the Old Martians, a blue-faced figure with a diamond torc replied with words that echoed in their heads, not their ears. “To us, it was as yesterday25. Do you have the words of release?” Yi Xing turned to Bugbyte, who spoke the phrase from the scroll. The Martian walked over to a white stone platform in the middle of the circle and made a simple gesture. There was a hum and a helmet of silver wire and crystal beads appeared as if out of nowhere26 “Take it, earthlings. But treat it carefully. It is a source of great power and could lead to catastrophe for your people.” “We are of the same mind,” replied Yi Xing. “We plan to destroy it. Perhaps someday we will be ready for it.” The Martian nodded. “Very wise??” At that, the light in the circle flashed suddenly bright. When the earthlings could see again, the Martians were gone and the crystal pillars lay scattered in weathered fragments on the ground.
Bugbyte placed the MacGuffin in a stasis box for later destruction28. The three drove back to Marsport in silence.
Later that evening, a Taoist immortal, a bearded fence and a black lesbian hacker walked into a bar?9. They were surprised30 to find Sleazewagon with his arms around Eccentrica, sharing a lingering kiss. He looked up. “Hey, it turns out that she is OK with me like I am!” She blushed and said, “Well, I used to do a show in Venusberg with this snake and we got along really well. Although I had to dump an entire tray of beer over this dork before he got up the nerve to talk to me.” Sleazewagon added, “Ssssso it looks like I won’t need the cure after all.” The three earthlings look at each other and shrugged. Yi Xing said, “I think we need something to drink. This time, make all three of them sandstorms, please?”
Can you duplicate Bugbyte’s feat and provide the release code? bout de papier will decide the winner by drawing from I hat containing all correct submissions received by February 28, 2017. The vinner will receive a book autographed by A Aalto 31. Not necessary to win, but who s MOM anyway?
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• Selling Free-lance prestidigitator A Aalto continues his association with South Asia and hopes senior management never finds out about his moonlighting with the Tannu Tuva Fighters for Nationhood (TTFN32). This puzzle is for Ray Bradbury, of course, but also for Douglas Adams and for the hundreds of fine science fiction writers who have given us so many different Mars over the years (before and after we learned there were no canals), plus the scientists, engineers and lately business leaders who are fighting to get us there for real. Agnes Macphail was a Canadian icon, the first woman elected to Parliament. Angus McPhail really was Hitchcock’s assistant. He and she were contemporaries but not siblings. Thanks as ever to the eagle-eyed Mrs Aalto.
Winner: Steen Peterse The answer is EIECE TE DAEMONIUM, V demon!” The full chart is given below:
1 T N K 2 E L 0 B 4 L E R E 5 M A L E F
N G H – R B E L L N E R 0 N H A N E N T
H A D
Originally published in bout de papier, Vol. 29, No. 4 (2016), pp. 49–52. Read the rest of this issue →
