bout de papier, Vol. 30, No. 3 (2018), pp. 7–9
Well, you seem to have turned out pretty normal. That’s good.
| HAVE HEARD THAT SENTIMENT expressed more than a few times during my life. It is usually expressed when people find out I grew up in a diplomatic family. As part of that family, my parents, brother and I shifted around the world multiple times while I was growing up: once to Barbados for three years and twice to Turkey for a total of six years, with moves back to Canada in between. A situation many outside our departments would consider an unconventional upbringing.
Moving with children is something that weighs heavily on the minds of numerous people at Global Affairs and Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship Canada. When is the right time to move? Is it better to stay in one location longer? How will the school systems match up? Key amongst those questions seems to be: how will all of this moving affect my child? While some parents feel that living abroad will broaden their child’s horizons, others worry that the instability of many moves may take its toll, especially as their children age. The thought of inconsistency in school, both in terms of steady friends as well as teachers and curriculums, is sometimes enough for parents to delay postings.
Below I try to summarize some of the pros and cons of moving your children abroad based on my personal experiences. I should caveat that I cannot speak for all children who have grown up moving around, but for one side of two typical extremes. Children who grow up with this nomadic lifestyle often fall into either of two categories upon reaching adulthood: they develop a love of this modus vivendi and keep it all their lives, or they move to one location never to move again. As you can surmise, I consider myself part of the former grouping. Given the number of people working within Global Affairs who themselves are the product of such a childhood, it is safe to say I am not an exception.
Your children will not have lifelong friends in the same way other children will
When I began university, I would occasionally meet people who had grown up in the same city all their lives and would talk about friends they had known since they were two. I did not have that. Looking back at my network of friends, I think the earliest friendships I have come from high school. You will notice I used the word “network” — that is not only because Global Affairs has appropriately influenced me to love the word, but it is a true reflection of what I have: a network of friends. Instead of a single friend I’ve known since kindergarten with whom I have shared all the same experiences, I have a multitude of friends spread around the world with a plethora of backgrounds, views and thoughts. Attending international schools abroad, diplomatic children will meet others going through similar experiences and will bond because of it.
Your children will have a completely different sense of risk
Returning to Canada after being abroad, school trips were hard to compare. While posted in Turkey, the big school trip for grades 4 to 6 was an eight-hour bus ride with the teachers to the coast for a week to explore the beaches, visit the ruins of an ancient castle on a small island, and truly live history. How better to learn about water cisterns than stare down into one carved in the sun-bleached rocks beside a crumbling castle wall? What better way to learn about evaporation than explaining a dried puddle of salt on a rock by the crashing ocean waves? Were there mishaps on our trips? Yes (a healthy respect for sea urchins can quickly develop after seeing a classmate step on one), but they were adventures… ones that allowed children to grow and push their limits from a young age, to learn problem solving skills, and to develop their independence.
Some memories only come from living abroad
In Turkey, during thunder storms we would sit and watch lightning strikes hit the top of an unfinished hotel perched atop the hill near our apartment, while torrential rains rushed down the streets carrying woven door mats with them. Moving back to Canada at the end of a posting, a week after a massive earthquake hit south of Istanbul, my brother and I were in charge of guarding a pile of suitcases for our family and those of four other passengers as our flight had been so delayed leaving Ankara that we had all missed our onward connection. We sat, watched and played around the suitcases piled high in front of the empty check-in counter while the adults attempted to determine the next legs of their onward journeys. Sitting on a bus transferring between terminals, we saw the Canadian military DART (Disaster Assistance Response Team) driving in the opposite direction, heading to the hardest hit areas to provide assistance. I remember looking out the window and seeing the Canadian flag patch stand out against the green of the uniform on their shoulders. Living abroad, your child will have experiences that would never occur in Canada. Some will be good, some will be bad; but these types of memories are ones that help shape who children become, how they will view challenges and how they will choose to tackle them.
Your children will have no strong ’ ties to any one country
Being in an international school, surrounded by other children who themselves had also lived abroad, we would sometimes ask each other what country felt most like home. For me, no one country would come to mind — my answer would be that home was where my family was. Home became more about the people than the place. In truth, before the age of 18, I had spent more than half of my life living abroad. Moving back to Canada for the first time when I was eight felt like I was moving to a new country rather than moving home. Growing up, I found I would often feel more patriotic about the other country when I was not living there; I would jump to Canada’s defence if someone made a comment while in Turkey and I would feel proud about Turkey while living in Canada. In adulthood, they have all come to feel like home for different reasons.
In addition, if your children are part of the group which grows to love this nomadic lifestyle, they will be more open to try new adventures themselves. They will know they are able to adapt to whatever life throws at them because they have already done it. Power or water cuts? No problem. Can’t speak the local language? We’ll figure out a way. How to celebrate Christmas in a country that doesn’t recognize that holiday or have pine trees? Say hello to a Christmas palm tree or cactus. During orientation week of my first year at university I tracked down the school’s exchange office as I was determined to go to Australia. They looked a little surprised when I walked in, asked if I was lost and then told me to come back in a year, which I gladly did. I still remember how ecstatic I was to be granted an exchange to Melbourne for my third year of studies. A friend who had always grown up in the same city couldn’t understand why I would want to go. He argued everything they had in Australia was already available in Canada, to which my response was “maybe so… but I can try it over there!”
Your children will mix cultural traits from different countries
I went to a British school for a large portion of my schooling, and when I wasn’t at a British school, it was an international institution with teachers coming from across Europe, the US and Canada. By the time my family returned from posting, I had a mishmash of expressions and colloquialisms that my Canadian friends have simply come to accept as unique quirks. I speak of “flat-mates”, not “room-mates”’, I know exactly what someone is looking for whether they ask for the washroom, bathroom, toilet, lavatory, WC, dunny or water closet, and I will always say “no worries” instead of “‘you’re welcome”.
Spending large parts of their childhood abroad, your children will sometimes miss cultural references when they return to Canada. I still have friends who speak about television shows or bands from their youth which I know nothing about. I did not grow up with “Mr. Dressup” for example, but instead with BBC’s “Blue Peter” and “Art Attack.” That said, when diplomatic children find someone who knows a cultural reference from their childhood, it is an instant bond.
Similarly, growing up abroad, your children’s comfort foods may vary slightly from those of their Canadian peers. While I would say that peanut butter and honey are a staple go-to, my favourite snack food is actually dried figs — something most Canadian children likely wouldn’t even recognize. I have heard similar stories about children who love kimchi or others whose dinner favourites at restaurants are classic Italian pasta dishes rather than the more typical chicken nuggets and fries.
Your children will miss family events
Living in other countries, some on the other side of the globe, it is inevitable that family events will be missed. Grandparents won’t be there for birthdays, and cousins won’t necessarily grow up knowing each other. Grandparents may not know their grandchildren as well simply because they are not able to play the same role they might otherwise have living in the same city. In the event of family emergencies, they may not be able to help. Looking back, for my family, I would say that this served to reinforce the strength of the smaller family unit — siblings and parents become closer by necessity. Growing up, whenever my family moved to a new place, my brother was the first person I knew and my first friend, something I
would like to think made us grow closer as a result.
/ They will have to start over
in each new place
Whether it is a new country or a new city, your kids will have to get used to new schools, meet new friends, find new activities and discover new places to hang out. It will be difficult and will take time — but given the time and the support needed, children adapt. In fact, they will likely adapt faster than their parents. Being in an international school, they will not be the odd ones out — they will be amongst numerous other children who have either lived abroad themselves or have had friends who have. Starting high school, my closest friends were a Brit, a Spaniard and a Turk. In my classes, about 40 percent were expat children and the remainder were national children with international experiences themselves. I also like to think that it is because of these friends that I grew up to be open-minded and willing to try new things. Attending international schools, children grow up constantly exposed to different ideas and learning that just because something is different from what they know doesn’t make it wrong — it’s just someone else’s way of tackling an issue.
I know there are many facets that I have not touched upon. Not all children adapt to their different environment. Not all children will be in international schools. The security environment of a country — and thus the freedom a child is afforded — also impacts their experiences living overseas. There are pros and cons, and parents will make their decisions based on what they feel is best for their child, as they should.
Just know that moving with your children will give them experiences that would never even be an option in Canada, allow them to meet people from around the world, form friendships that will last and memories that will mould them into who they will become. It will be difficult and there will be tears, but the adventures and laughter will eventually replace them. They will lose some friendships, but with today’s technology, they will also keep the ones they want. Your children will be challenged, pushed, and grow. They will have opportunities like no other.
As I have mentioned, many in our departments have experienced this lifestyle as children — feel free to talk to them about it, they won’t bite. Although I cannot speak for everyone, I feel I was lucky and privileged to live in the countries that I did, as I did. I would not trade my experiences for anything, and, as others have pointed out, I seem to have turned out alright.
Originally published in bout de papier, Vol. 30, No. 3 (2018), pp. 7–9. Read the rest of this issue →
